The Word of the Day is: Canker

So I have a canker sore on my bottom lip. It's roughly the size of a Volvo, looks disgusting, and feels like a bug is continually biting me. I keep hoping that one day I'll outgrow canker sores, but that belief appears to be a myth akin to the notion of a "runner's high" and The Force.

Plausible cures for canker sores Google told me about:

1. Salt that bad boy
2. Press a teabag against it
3. Get an oral analgesic and wait it out

Implausible cures Google told me about:

1. Get some lysine (Um, the last time I heard of this stuff was in Jurassic Park, when the old Australian guy referred to the "lysine contingency," which apparently was supposed to save them from the raptors. It didn't work for him, and it's not going to work on my canker sore).
2. Buy the "Canker Spanker" from somewhere: http://cankerspanker.com/aboutus.aspx (it's not as revealing as one would hope for)
3. Press an unlit match against it. No.
4. Let your cat lick it (okay, I made that one up, but you get the idea).

I read about the biology involved, and apparently the sores are caused by white blood cells that get confused and mistakenly attack ordinary mouth tissue. This is one of those inconvenient facts that you wish evolution had corrected a couple hundred generations before things got to you. Has anyone else ever had this thought? Like, couldn't we have evolved into a state where vegetables taste good and alcohol makes you a better driver? I hereby note for the record my envy of future generations: F*&# you, you cankersoreless schmucks, and your unearned evolutionary benefits. I bet you wouldn't hold up against my Canker Spanker for five seconds.